I sat motionless on the couch after a deep sleep, did not do anything. I felt the emptiness exists inside my body, things lightly as a morning breeze blowing the autumn of my life over. I have no one to think about, not knowing what to do, I can not imagine how my future will turn out. I just know this is the moment I am living, breathing and October sky was sunny outside. It seems that after a long sleep, I forgot a lot of things, what previously I respected, what I desired, my relationships, my intentions about job or learning. I just thought that one day when you wake up in your little room, looking around and you do not see anyone, the bright colors of life seems to have disappeared. If you open eyes then look to your side, you see someone you love right there, he or she will remind you that who you are and what are important things you should not miss in this life. October sunny sky will be bleak when you feel empty and aimless…
If this life just full of fun, I will give myself a few gloomy days. Just breathe and do nothing, I let my soul empty and boring. No relationships, no conversations, no laughter and tears, only my quiet heart without emotion. When the soul cleansed, it is calm like I am standing still between the lines moving back and forth, and I stand motionless without a reason. It is not a dark day in this life, nor is the time when my emotions go down, it is simply condensation, the slow life help my mind dispel the tension, hustle, noises from the street, the sound of argument and lament. That may be the ultimate moment of silence, when I feel everything in an obvious way, I feel the discomfort inside my body, I see my eyes blink and my lips pursed, I feel the salty taste of salt and the aroma of lavender, I find myself getting old but my heart has not stopped. I let what belong to my instincts said. No more sorrow, and I temporarily stash the time away. Just me with the mellow life.
For God’s sake, I do not want to grow up anymore. I just want to stand behind your floral skirt and see everything in sneaky way. This world is so annoying and I just want to be quiet while sleeping in your arms. Oh Momma, out there have lots of things I have to face, and that all make me scare. I know you can not cover and protect me throughout life but now I do not know what to do, I am in the anxiety and panic hole, then I find myself so small and frail, Mom!
Momma I miss the time when we played swing in backyard, it was so much fun and I will never forget that. That is the most amazing thing I always want to come back for the second time in this life. Mom it is true, right?
I miss you so much now. People are right when said that only miss something when you lost that. I have lost thanks to you, I have lost the words “I love you” when we were together. And now here, it makes me feel extremely regretful. We had a pretty long time far away since the day I decided to leave home to find my own way. I thought everything will be fine, I have the courage and decisively to leave all the past behind but when it comes, I suddenly think I am wrong.
If you can read this letter, I sent a box of kisses to you with the message: There are things may have changed but this feelings never changed, it is just only rising dramatically or hidden deep down inside me!
Your little son.
Death makes people want to hook this life wildly. I’m also not an exception. Whenever I think about death in the dark enclosure and bitter things that I regret in this life, it seems like I can not breathe. I can not swallow and my throat feel choked. I cursed myself heavily because I have lived in vain.
I fear death. And I think most people all afraid to die. Have gentle death and painful death, but death always make people shudder when they think about all terror. Brink between life and death unsteady, have not any anchor, perhaps we always vaguely fear that after death what we will be, what we will become and that feel makes sense for us to love life that exists around us more and more.
I see my future looming over a thin cloth, and the fear of death make me look at life more thorough, more clearly. I will be basking myself in the clouds when I’m in imminent death, I will hug the last rays on my lap. I will not die in remorse.
Like a cat has just been kicked out of house, the door of my life seems never open. And I back to helpless in fear, always looking around to see. “Time goes by too fast!” Indeed. Instead of being a spoiled cat, now I feel sluggish and lonely. Aura was no longer shines around me when I fail.
Like the lyrics in Let Her Go song: “Only miss the sun when it starts to snow” I just see what I miss when I lost it. I remember when I was walking in the sunny garden behind the house and came upon a beautiful cat, we had a summer together, talked about flowers, ran under the clouds and thought about crazy things.
Like things that go through my life I will never get them back, I’m sad and regret in the hope, the little ray of hope. I do not think I would wish it never happened because it has already happened.
Like past just gone through my life again.
I found small sun rays are concealed behind the window. It really is a fascinating start for Sunday.
I want to tell about the distance between avoid something and receive something. I still remember about my period of time when I always felt timid, insecurity and avoid everything. Then a certain time in life, I realized just a feet away, I will step out, see light of life and face the truth. I was always afraid my feelings that I will have to grow up to recognize all the evil of human nature, with pitfalls of society. But I tell myself that I need to live better, to face the fear with serenity.
Every night, every woman, every alley, every pain.
Every early morning, every humiliation, every scoot, every loss.
Every all day long, every sleep, every dream, every lapse.
Every wanderer, every intent, every step, every stumble.
Every rotation, every night, every beggar, every hunger.
Every piece of silver, every aliment, every prayer, every tear.
Every story, every choice, every result, every ending.
Every present, every exchange, every scam, every expense.
Every cliff, every abyss, every journey, every recklessness.
Everyday, every weather, every emotion, everything.
I asked myself a question “Where is my home?” when I was wandering on the street on a frigid winter morning.
Then I found the answer when I saw each terns were flying past the dark gray sky. Nowhere.
I saw my shadow loomed up on small road and my head looked forward to hearing from myself. I said “Keep moving!”.
I tried to keep my mind awake.
I thought this life can never be enough for a house. Then one day you will have to go out of your house, go out to see that this world would be home anywhere, anywhere can be the place for you to live a happy life. I do not say that you lose your soul, but you can bring your soul to the outside world to be heated up. Maybe where have your family, the heart will tell you it is your home, but I know that although the place has my family and their cover, I can not stop. The endless road will make me feel tired, but I will not stop until my feet can not walk anymore and I do not mind the concept of home. I know that is selfish things and painful but life is that way, bring you back and take you away.